平淡与极至

想起大学密友S在英国与一个来自香港的年轻男孩K发生婚外恋情时对我说的话。她说因为两个人都太清醒的认识到这段感情没有未来，所以根本无法全心投入享受其中的甜蜜。换成你呢？如果看到铺满鲜花的温柔道路的尽头只是一个无法回头的孤独的荒野，你又真的能够愉快洒脱的继续走下去吗？

思维突然又跳到学传媒专业时“情绪与交流”课上老师的论点：如果经历极度喜悦的结果是对平淡的幸福不再感到触动，那也许人们就最好不要经历狂喜。面对这样的情景，你的选择又是怎样呢？是要平平淡淡才是真还是即使是昙花一现也要体验一刹那的极至？

这样的问题，就连聪明的我也答不上来：）

夜晚的伴侣

昨天夜里3点52分突然醒来，发现胃里有隐隐的不安和难受的感觉。这种感觉让我想起上高中的那段时间。爸爸妈妈分开后我和爸爸住，偶尔也去妈妈在郊外租的简易房子里度周末。妈妈算是个相当严格的素食主义者，我们饮食中的蛋白质主要来源于鸡蛋和几根大骨头上附着的若隐若无的肉。我经常在半夜醒来，感觉同样的不安和难受，然后摸出妈妈那个比装米的盒子还大的饼干箱，往嘴里塞各式热量超高的小零食，象个小耗子一样嚼得嘎吱嘎吱响：）

由于是“过来人”，我很果断的判断出自己需要食物。却在摸索到客厅的一刹那，忘记了自己赤脚下床的初衷－－我看到了我可爱的圣诞树装扮得喜气洋洋在黑夜里睁着她神采奕奕又温柔多情的眼睛，笑嘻嘻的融化掉一切冰冷和黑暗。这是大树哥哥在圣诞前夕三下五除二将常青树巧妙定型变普通为神奇的结果，在此表示由衷的感谢。当然我的慧眼和匠心在装饰过程中也功不可没^_^。我常见到美国人在圣诞树下放置大家用以交换的礼物，但在我看来，这样美妙的圣诞树本身就是在节日里最能令人欣喜的礼物。

单身另类

自从自己真正开始独立生活以后就意识到原来我并不总是喜欢节日. 因为节日让所有身边的朋友同时消失到她们自己的甜蜜温暖小窝义无反顾地去享受大家庭的生活, 而且越是隆重的节日越是如此.

其实自己静静地呆着并非不是一种享受, 只是看着大家乐陶陶跑开了就觉得自己也应该做一些与平时不一样的惊天动地的事情, 要么异常勇敢, 要么异常浪漫, 要么异常乖巧, 要么异常疯狂.

理论上说，有那么一两个单身的另类朋友就会让你有机会实现这样的梦想。可惜我在Rochester唯一这样的单身另类朋友Elena是个医生，“忙碌” 一词和她形影不离。她的世界没有节假日，也令人惊讶的没有因此而产生的遗憾。我们无论是在轻松幽默的调侃式的Email联络感情之后， 或是在灯光暗黑奏着爵士乐的昂贵餐馆各点一杯鸡尾酒分享两小碟开胃点心当晚饭，彼此完全敞开心扉互相吐露心底最秘密的隐私的当头，她总会话锋一转问“那么你认为我的那个研究课题怎样改进？什么时候可以开始进行？” 我很奇怪身边这个人，居然能一方面用比我更浪漫温柔幼稚追求完美的方式思维的同时，另一方面可以比我更象个男人一样坚强倔强逻辑严密公事公办十倍。每次和她交流完毕，总感觉自己的左右脑都得到了同等程度的按摩。

不过光按摩大脑对我来说从来都不够，在这样冷清的节日里连续不停工作到头晕目眩之后我决定犒劳自己－－明天拉上两个和我一样意志没有医生那么坚强的小女人去城里一起去享受一下物质将会给我们带来的快乐：）

朋友带来的财富

星象书上说水瓶座的人自身没有财运, 他们的财运大多时候来源于朋友. 对于此话我深有感触, 比如说从小到大我就没拣到过钱包钻石, 买彩票去赌场都没中过奖, 幸亏有一堆够意思的朋友时不时地往我这塞些宝贝, 让我积累了些有时也能那出来炫耀的东西：）

可能是为了嘉奖我首次独自养殖植物成功, 或进一步培养我对静态生命的耐心与兴趣, 那个热带长大的傻孩子周五晚上抗了一盆半人高的常青树放到我门口. 我受宠若惊满怀感激的同时有些小小的惊慌失措: 这个东西一旦被养死, 我要想掩人耳目把它偷偷扔掉毁尸灭迹的可能性就几乎很小了:( 不过热带孩子的诚恳镇定和高大身躯给我一种莫名其妙的安全感, 让我觉得即使天要塌下来了常青树要死了我也可以找他力挽狂澜, 而且我会心安理得毕竟他是这个始做蛹者.

也是在周末， 最爱我的上帝不知触动了Heshan的哪一条神经，让我这个心灵手巧极富创造力的朋友兴致大发，一口气利用廉价又简单的材料作出两个商场里永远买不到的造型新颖的相框。她的着眼与大局不拘小节的风格正合我意，以至于我拿着相框翻来覆去看难以割舍。可能是贪欲被看穿，Heshan不等我开口便将它送给了我:D 于是现在我的办公室里多了一个天蓝色带各式贝壳的叫做“海在不远处”的相框：）

读书笔记

在网上看到一句话: "放弃是一种智慧, 缺陷是一种恩惠".

我想在人的一生中放弃很多时侯是必要的, 就象另一句老话说的: 退一步海阔天空. 我们苦苦追求的东西可能永远得不到也可能根本不适合自己, 放下它让自己在生命多一点前进的空间未尝不是明智的选择. 当然, 作者也提到"放弃的原则", 那就是"每一次放弃都必须是一次升华，否则就不要放弃；每一次选择都必须是一次升华，否则不要选择".

"缺陷是一种恩惠" 是指生命中有我们可望而不可及的东西, 促使我们通过奋斗去获取, 在此过程中获得快乐. 我想这种"缺陷"不限于物质. 比如说个性, 每个人肩膀上都坐着一个天使一个恶魔, 尽力在关键时候用意志帮助天使取胜便是一种自我完善过程, 其结果会是让我们终生受用的财富.

我的第一棵圣诞树

大约一个月前，一棵巴掌大的可爱的小树住进了我的公寓。虽然有几天叶片有些变黄，终究有惊无险，目前在我的精心照料和偶尔必要的忽略下长势喜人。我想圣诞节我可以把她打扮漂亮做圣诞树！更重要的是，她的存在证明我并不绝对是一个“植物杀手”：）

Madison 羽毛球公开赛

周末和大树哥哥以及他的朋友们去Madison看他们和来自附近几个州的羽毛球爱好者摩拳擦掌切磋球艺. 比赛现场也混有既不热衷又不擅长羽毛球象我一样只想凑热闹之辈。话虽然如此说, 我还是担任了两项非同小可的重要职务: 象淑女一样优雅的坐在一旁用安静却充满力量的眼神给朋友们当啦啦对长以及手持大个头专业相机用所有被朋友提前设置好了的功能装模作样象个专业摄影师一样的拍照:)

羽毛球赛场不出所料是被亚洲国家雄霸着, 但也有少数欧美球员能与亚洲高手一争高下. 看得出来他们达到今天的水平是冰冻三尺非一日之寒. 朋友们没有拿到奖杯或者奖牌，但他们打得非常潇洒尽兴。观摩过程中我甚至有一瞬间产生了一点点希望自己也成为羽坛高手的想法。在执行摄影任务的时候, 我以权谋私偷偷拍摄了一些美女球员的照片呆会放到相簿上让大家一饱眼福. 由于未经其本人允许, 请粉丝们尽管对着照片口水滴答但绝对不得传播或私藏!:)


从这次的体育竞技场上我发现了一条真理: 人在为自己感兴趣的事奋力拼搏的时候往往能展现出自己最有魅力的一面. 所以我们不用羡慕别人比我们更漂亮或英俊, 真我的风采才是在任何时候都最迷人而且无与匹敌的.

寒冷的道路，温柔的雪

从圣玛丽医院5楼我在心内科办公室外的走廊窗户看外面的冰天雪地，一切都显得那样的童话般的安静祥和。所有静止的物体－－宝塔形状的松树，尖房顶的居民房和平顶的小商店等无一例外的顶着厚厚的白雪，然而侧面又露出他们本来的柔和斑斓的色彩，重重叠叠延伸到远方。象一群带着戴着纯白色小棉帽却又长相各异的小朋友。

从办公室走在回家的路上的感觉却远远没有这般诗意。在刺骨的寒风里，踏着前人在雪里留下的深深的脚印艰苦的往家行进时，只是一味的希望自己是只披着又长又厚又漂亮的茸毛的小松鼠，只等一进温暖的家门便去一头扎进被窝冬眠。

冬天来了

经历了今年第四场雪之后，我终于很不情愿地相信冬天最终还是来了。到美国以来呆过的所有地方在冬天都是冰天雪地，于是我这个从中国南方来的人也麻木得不再对每年第一场以后的雪小题大做。

冬天使人不知不觉的心情抑郁，原因由我总结如下：

1。 由于饱暖的需要，美妙的身体都不得不被严严实实包裹起来，不再得以展现，于是男人女人都很郁闷；

2。 脸部由于我们在雪地里行走时暴露时间过长，小心翼翼又烦恼沮丧的表情被冻僵， 即使进到室内， 也需要很长的热身时间才能恢复自然放松状态，为呈现笑容提供基本前提（为此原因，我建议大家在外行走时不管环境如何恶劣，也要尽力保持自己认为最美的微笑状态。）;

3。在我看来最有效的解闷派遣忧愁的方法－－逛街购物的可行性大大降低：路况使驾驶车辆极度危险；铲除车窗上的冰霜需要至少20分钟以及相当于一堂瑜珈课所付出的总热量；当暖车过程结束时，消耗的汽油已经几乎占据了本应用来购物的预算指标。。。

4。 最不能忍受的是新鲜水果的品种急剧减少！：（

听起来糟透了，还好也有一个好消息汇报： 托热带朋友的福^_^，这个周末终于吃到了传说中可以增添女性魅力的木瓜！有一股热带特有的淡淡的药味，可是我感觉仍然很好，毕竟美丽是女人一生不懈的追求：）

嫁个有钱人

看了最近在网络上流传的一篇文章"嫁个有钱人, 你准备好了吗?", 想起了我在国内的几个嫁了有钱人的女朋友. 一方面我为她们能不须自食其力而享受外人看来绚烂奢侈的生活而非常开心(可能偶尔也会小小的羡慕--或者仅仅是若有若无的一瞬间的念头), 另一方面也不由得佩服她们承担潜在精神压力的能力和或多或少乐意对自我感受作出让步的决心.

象我这样宠爱自己惯了的人, 单纯为了金钱而让心灵或感受委曲求全就绝对做不到, 所以个性魅力在我的世界里是无法用任何物质的东西置换的. 当然, 如果你面对的白马王子除了具备一切让你痴迷的条件以外还恰好很有钱, 那为什么不嫁呢? :)

Wish list

想到圣诞老人就要开始异常忙碌了，而我祈祷的时间又相当有限，觉得自己应该聪明点把自己的愿望列个清单，让Santa有据可查，不至于太轻易的忘记我的礼物。从千百个愿望中排出高低谈何容易，所以以下几点除第一条以外，纯属随机抽取，无先后顺序。

1。 这是目前比较紧急的－－脸上的豆豆及豆痕尽快消失殆尽；顺便呢，鼻梁能再高一点，睫毛能再长2mm最好：）

2。希望我的眼球能随不同心境随意变换颜色。比如当我被浪漫的情绪感染，想含情脉脉对帅哥放电时呈现粉紫色；当我勇敢奔放热情快乐激动得象小孩子时呈火红色；当我异常聪明睿智冷静的时候呈纯黑色；当我懒懒的不想动脑筋的时候显示出淡淡的黄绿色。。。剩下的有些时间自由变换出我自己也无法控制和不可名状的颜色:)

3。所有朋友和同事在走进我方圆10米之内便开始由衷地自内而外展现她/他们最迷人的微笑。

4。Charter公司系统出错，从此以后停止收取我的一切电视及网络费用。

5。一周有8天，于是每周都能过长周末。（工作日不可以减少以保证正常收入！）

。。。
不知道每个人的礼物名额有多少，想必5个不算过分。如果有余额，圣诞老人还可以自由发挥。

美丽风情的芝加哥（2）

夜幕降临时我们和其他的观光客一起一窝蜂的涌上芝加哥也是北美最高，世界第四高塔--Sears tower， 我们要贪婪的把整个城市的夜色尽收眼底。此时塔下灯火辉煌，塔里人头攒动。各色专业的或非专业的摄影师一时间忙碌的想要把所有角度的美景框入境头，但不得不承认，所有努力之后最美最生动的仍然是双眼拍下的那一副副画面。

在去芝加哥之前就有好心又热情的朋友极力主张我去城市著名的名牌荟萃的购物街"Magnificen Mile"走一遭。对于我来说逛街的兴致好像是血液中与生俱来的因素，即使囊中羞涩，养养眼也是好的。虽然我对名牌决不盲崇（正如我对待世间所有被奉为金科玉律的事物一样），信步于世界一流品牌的专卖店即使不能获得与其货品价格相当的享受，至少也是一种学习与重新树立自我信心与信念的过程。当我笑面如花神采奕奕的在香包，名珠宝，前沿时装，五色眼影盘中目不暇接时，同行的坚强的男子汉们一批批悄无声息的溃败了（我想也许巾帼英雄的名称就是由此得来的……）。可喜的是在精神萎靡且百无聊赖的情况下，敬业的摄影师仍然抓拍下了很多我试穿名牌服装的自我陶醉的忘形瞬间，照片我已非常无私的上载到相簿供大家娱乐 （这一组照片成为我目前的最爱，因为喜欢看到自己在不经意间透露出来的美 ^_^）.

芝加哥的繁华有目共睹，可是最迷人的部分却是仁者见仁智者见智。你可以穿着随意在河滩边散步，遛狗，欣赏秋天的红叶；你也可以空着肚子到淳朴亲切充满乡土气息的华人街去吃港式早茶，或者让你越麻辣越想吃的四川菜；你也可以在市中区高耸云霄的宾馆房间里隔着薄薄的窗纱看灯火辉煌的Michigan Avenue在深夜里渐渐的归于宁静，想象着空气中飘动的若有若无的萨克思风音乐和鸡尾酒的香气, 感受浓美的夜色和慵懒惬意温柔的思绪凝滞在每分每秒的时间里...

美丽风情的芝加哥（1）

在芝加哥机场逗留过无数次, 我对这个城市的印象还是仅限于想象:工业发达, 繁华热闹, 却忙乱而缺乏亲和力与风雅。上周终于有机会和朋友一起走进这个巨大城市的心脏, 细细品味它那些我永远无法想象出来的部分.

从不计其数的当地博物馆里做选择是个折磨人的过程, 由于时间的限制每放弃一个都有一种捶胸顿足的遗憾. 最终决定首先来到了天文馆，一方面是有助于弥补我在这方面知识与想象力的巨大空洞，另外也是为了满足自己对距离与神秘空间的无限好奇与神往。馆内四处陈列着星球模型和宇宙结构图，自然也勾起了我中学时代由于从来不能正确拼凑星座图而不被地理老师待见的伤心往事:(。幸亏馆内制作的精美图像节目深入浅出的讲解了那些鲜为我知的天文知识，让我的眼睛，耳朵和想象力可以一起尽情享受那些单凭任何个人力量都无法完全理解的宇宙奥妙。更令人开心的是节目结束后没有人来考试:D

相比之下，水族馆就很显然不需要太多的抽象思维能力。 任何五岁以上具备良好视力不色盲的有基本好奇心的人都能在这里找到极大的乐趣。从小溪泥塘到江湖海洋，从美丽娇小温和到庞大阴险凶猛，形形色色的水生动物的日常生活通通透过明净的玻璃展现在游人眼前。还有精彩的海豚表演。在短短的半小时内他们的聪明温顺就深深的打动了我，我暗自决定如果有朝一日条件允许我会领养一条小海豚当宠物及我的游泳教练；或者在来生的某一个轮回做一回自由快乐的海豚（不过是不需要以表演为生的那种！）。

又去了地质博物馆，终于感觉匆忙完成了把水空陆三方的秘密的偷窥到一小点的心愿，乐趣无穷却也意犹未尽。

由于上天的眷顾，芝加哥整个周末风和日丽，美美的成就了我们的游船计划。古人有“两岸猿声啼不住，轻舟已过万重山”，我们是听着导游先生口若悬河的讲解，靠在两层楼游船的栏杆上任凭它带着我们沿秀丽的芝加哥河，迎着微凉的初秋的清风，穿行于举世闻名各具特色的摩天大厦之间，想象着这座传奇城市从一片荒凉沼泽地上的最初崛起。从落日夕阳斜游到两岸华灯初上。那样的美丽浪漫和梦幻，正如古人云 “此景只应天上有，人间哪得几回闻”...

中国行之－－我的心与你同在

仪式之后就要进入备战状态。整个医疗队在主方医生，护士，媒介和看热闹的人群的层层簇拥下参观了心外科的医疗设施并且接受采访。看得出来队友们只是一味地想要各就各位开始工作，对眼前热闹的宣传工作显得漫不经心。

病例诊断及讨论是第一天的重点，主要任务是从初步筛选出来的近40名儿童病人中确定九例接受免费示范手术。在彩超室里，小心脏病患者由家属陪同一个一个进入接受超声波诊断。我从来不是小孩子狂热爱好者，但不知什么原因，那些小孩竟然让我的心一反常态的每一分钟都被紧紧的牵动。他们的惊人的可爱让我不得不相信，上天是公平的，他在人缺少或失去一些东西的时候总是在另外的方面对我们加以补偿。

小孩子们从4个月到11岁大，男孩子们大多数剃光头或贴近头皮的短发，额前留着奥运福娃式的尖尖的小刘海。他/她们躺在床上并不知道发生了什么，只是瞪着大大圆圆的不谙世事的黑眼睛好奇却又警惕的看着我们的金发碧眼的心内科专家将凉凉的凝胶抹在他/她们肚皮上，然后用探针轻轻的平滑的按在上面移动。Alison（心内科及彩超专家）总是忍不住拿出她那大个头的专业摄像机对小孩子们狂照一通，并且难以抑制的往小手里塞她早已准备好的美国棒棒糖。小家伙们的表情和反应经常逗得在场的中外医生们大笑。如果不知道具体情况，那场景真的能让人放怀开心快乐。笑不出来的是他们的父母（或其他家属），他们一边带着无比爱怜的眼神看着孩子，一边流露出无限的忧伤，愁思，和仅有的一线希望。我不经意间看到好几个家长在众人的笑声中悄悄流泪了，心里一阵阵的痛。

为交流学习的需要，我来回翻译着美国专家的诊断定论和中国医生们的问题。家长们大都是农村人，对医学术语不甚了解（不好意思，连我都是只知其表。。。），只是紧张的四处观察大家的表情，期待而且焦急的眼神里充满了一万个问题。我知道无法操纵任何人的命运，满心内疚的尽量避免他们象敬菩萨一样看我的眼神。中国医生们非常的训练有素，他们能用相当冷静不带任何感情色彩的语调让家属停止追问。其实也不奇怪，见过成千上万的令人痛心的故事，有再多的爱心又怎能够分呢。。。

经过一整天的诊断和两个小时的圆桌会议病例讨论，9名小患者被最终确定为手术对象，当然在他们家属欣慰的笑容背后是更多父母的无助和失望。我想在这种时候队里和医院里的每一名医护人员都象我一样恨自己不能神通广大法力无边吧。

在接下来的两天里，我跟着医生和护士们在手术室和重症监护室里紧锣密鼓地工作着。手术全都进行的很顺利，有好多感人的和令人开怀大笑的场景会永远留在我的记忆里。

这次中国之行的见闻就写到这里了。描述的这些故事其实未能表达我真实感受的千分之一，未提及的是因为怕语言不精而伤害了自己的感受。幸而有好多图片和大家分享，希望能补充我文字未能达到的一些片断。

中国行之－－挂牌仪式

三个半小时以后，我被电话铃声吵醒，话筒里传来服务小姐甜美温柔的声音告诉我起床的时间到了。40分钟后，我坐在一楼的自助餐厅里嘴里塞满各种令人感到亲切无比的中国小吃。远远的看见Dearani医生朝我笑眯眯地走来，却来不及咽下嘴里的小煎包。他迅速走进我身边，俯首说“听说你昨晚在John和医院高层之间的谈判会议做了翻译。John说你是与他合作过的中国翻译中最出色的！我很为你骄傲！”我连忙咽下嘴里最后一点食物，说“哪里哪里，是我应该做得”，同时心里比吃了咖啡冰摩卡还受用。

早餐过后，大家一起走路去了医院。尽管宾馆和医院只有十分钟步行距离，美国人肯走仍然是难能可贵。刚进大门不久就看见一栋楼上挂着“欢迎国际心连心组织来院交流指导”的巨大横幅标语，穿过重重的过道和门廊后，眼前变得热闹起来：交头接耳的人群，扛着摄像机和话筒焦急等待的记者，年轻漂亮温柔手捧鲜花的白衣天使，。。。

我认出了朝人群中央的麦克风走去的几个和我们共进晚餐的医院领导，正待要开心的观望接下来的好戏，就感觉胳膊被拽了一下－－接待我们的其中一个年轻大夫塞给我三页纸说“我们院长要讲话了，这是稿子，你上去翻译一下”。就这样我带着与我征程千里的顽皮又学生气（还有点脏兮兮）的超长背带的大包包站到了麦克旁边，在各级重要人物轮番轰炸人群耳膜的时候做了即兴翻译。英汉互译是在大学时候练习过千百遍的，所以感觉非常的顺理成章－－心情极度放松的另一原因是知道在场会英汉两种语言的少之又少，不小心说溜了嘴也只有自己知道：）

讲话将近结束，院长一声令下，静候待命的漂亮的小护士们便笑盈盈的象小燕子般地飘到我身后的队友们面前献上手中的鲜花，紧接着正对麦克风的象新娘盖头般的红丝绸被揭开，赫然露出为纪念医院与美国心连心组织建交十周年的金色匾额。相机的闪光灯从四面八方开始肆意闪耀。。。在那种情景下，再爱美也只能劝自己避免去想是否在每一个角度的镜头里都呈现出了最美的一面了。算了吧，反正自己看不到照片，听之任之啦：）

中国行之－－金城兰州

14个人拖着28件托运行李以及无数随身携带物品几经辗转终于降落在兰州的土地上。天色已朦朦黑了，对时差的不适应和马不停蹄的工作将疲惫重重地写在几个护士小姐的脸上

由于从未在地理课上注意听讲，我对兰州的印象除了拉面以外几乎为零：（ 走出机场时，一队兰州大学第一附属医院心外科派来的小伙子夹道欢迎了我们。他们七手八脚的把我们的行李麻利的装上等候在空旷的机场外停车场的一辆大巴上。一个小时后我们进了城，和其他一堆大大小小的车一起在离宾馆一条街以外的十字路口挤成一团。交警显然已经下班了，司机们偏又不买交通灯的帐。所有的车一寸一寸的往中间挤，象一个死结越拉越紧。坐在我身旁的护士女士半睁着充满血丝的眼睛，已经被困倦和疲劳折磨得快哭了。我却和男士们一起，笑嘻嘻地望着车窗外暂时没有被困在交通重围中，对交通法规置若罔闻从各个方向绕过我们大巴各取其道的小车们。我的“没见识”的美国同事又开始拿摄像机摄像了。兰州医院的医生小伙子们见此情景有些尴尬，我之后才有些内疚发现自己一贯常有的民族自尊心并没有阻碍自己对祖国母亲眼前的交通问题感到可乐。

半小时后我们终于穿过十字路口来到宾馆。医院领导准备了隆重的晚宴为我们接风洗尘。饭桌上凤爪，鱼头， 整鹌鹑，带皮虾等等珍稀佳肴琳琅满目。我一边遍尝美味，一边幸灾乐祸的旁观美国队友们对此等食物望而生畏的情景。可能大多数男孩子天生缺乏语言禀赋，那群接我们回来的生龙活虎似的外科大夫这会儿不得不为一句话折腰－－他们事无巨细，几乎每5分钟便红着脸过来要求翻译服务。

饭后我已睡意阑珊，一出餐厅却被两个医生男孩拦住，其中一个说“我们主任有事找心连心慈善组织的John先生商谈，请您帮忙翻译作陪。”我没有想就说“好”，然后东张西望等待“主任”出现。说话的男孩急了，清了清嗓子微侧着身子指着另外的男孩说“这是我们主任”。。。好在主任没有架子，对我的失礼忍俊不禁。于是双方在我的陪同下摒烛夜谈了一个半小时，直到John疲惫得双眼微合，声音也底得快听不清。

回到房间发现自己也是挂着一对黑眼圈，然而想到养兵千日之后，明天就要到用兵的时刻心里兴奋而忐忑得难以入眠。

中国行之--上海第二观

一大早起来就直奔用早餐的会议厅，大家果然都在那。Dearani医生见到我先是一愣，紧接着马上过来紧紧拥抱我说“你终于安全到了”。大家笑说这两天我因为被念叨最多而成了队里的名人。

由于受台风影响, 那几天上海的气候潮湿闷热. 穿短袖衫都会汗流浃背, 头发也总是粘乎乎乱七八糟不成形状. 有那么一瞬间, 我真恨不能自己是个不分性别能赤身裸体在外行走的光头:D

上海儿童医院在中国属于技术领先医院, 我们队的医生做了两例示范手术, 并就相关课题举行了半天的讲座. 由于上海方面的医生都或多或少能说些不流利但能表达意思的英语，我的心情十分放松, 在讲座期间只管东张西望肆意打望我的中国同胞们.

也许在美国呆的时间太长了吧, 我觉得一屋子的医生和护士们年轻得不可思议. 想起一个美国朋友来中国旅行回去后兴奋的告诉我他认为中国百分之七十五以上的女人都可谓之美女, 我不由自主的笑了, 可不是吗: 苗条纤细如林妹妹般的身材, 乌黑笔直或俏皮卷曲的亮发, 安静秀美的五官, 再加上她们之间说着在我听来神秘轻柔的上海话...女孩子们的手机也让人很开眼:五花八门的挂饰, 千奇百怪的铃声, 用以前中央台正大宗义的话来说就是:"世界真奇妙"...^_^.

讲座间有十五分钟的休息时间, 上海方面医院的年轻主任医生过来说"我带你去参观一下我们新建好的重症监护室", 然后在我反应过来之前就塞给我一件白大褂, 带着我一流烟的往楼下走. 因为此举并不在安排好的日程上, 我的队友们诧异的看着他风风火火带着莫名其妙的我往外走. 路过他们时, 我耸耸肩表示纳闷: 为什么让我这个唯一的非专业人士去参观? 后来才想明白可能这就是所谓的"主场优势":)

由于是在上海停留的最后一天, 晚上我们全队在一家颇豪华的饭店吃了一顿极具西方特色的晚宴, 耗资人首250人民币(自摊). 但是如果有得选择, 我想我宁愿去一个街边小摊点吃一碗馄钝面.

中国行之--上海第一夜

对上海的印象是在10年以前: 美丽浪漫能看见好多金发碧眼外国人的外滩(当时在外语系刚就读一年, 崇洋媚外得一塌糊涂), 东方明珠塔上最高一层提供华丽而沉重的银质餐具让客人进餐的昂贵的旋转餐厅, 还有因为盛情难却而硬着头皮尝试的人生第一只也是唯一一只当地明菜醉虾--咬到嘴里还会拼命挣扎的感觉让我到现在想起来仍然汗毛直竖...

上海儿童医院派来接机的小姑娘举着写了我名字的牌子懒散的讲着手机, 我走到她面前说了两遍"你好, 我是李灼", 她才登着圆溜溜的双眼惊讶的望着我, 然后恍然大悟般不好意思的笑说"喔--". 我用小姑娘的手机很快联系到了表舅. 他和10年以前没有很大变化, 只是个头比我想象中小一些(但从美国回来, 所有中国人都给我很苗条袖珍的印象:D). 我张开双臂飞快上前拥抱表舅, 他立刻红了脸, 伸出手来抓住我的手握了握. 那时突然意识到, 7年的国外生活也许或多或少让我的生活方式在某些方面改变了:)

表舅用他的车带着我和接机的小姑娘驶往上海儿童中心医院的专家招待所(院方的司机只好各人回去了). 由于飞机延迟, 我是最后一个到达的. 服务员对我的到来早有准备, 一边迅速拿出我的材料做登记, 一边对我说"那几个外国人每天都来问好几次看你有没有到". 这时又有另外几个服务员探出头来毫不掩饰地用好奇的目光打量我，然后她们之间用上海话叽叽喳喳议论了我一阵, 由于疲备我没有理会她们谈话的内容, 只觉得她们投来的目光是赞许而友好的.


安顿好行李已经快到半夜, 表舅提议去吃宵夜, 我顿时睁开本已疲惫多时的双眼,睡意全无. 在凌晨12点， 我们的车在灯红酒绿，歌舞升平的大街小巷穿行，我的心和思绪都愉悦地欢呼：真的回到中国了！ 最后我们进了一家看着大方豪华的湘菜馆. 点了6道精美且份量十足的美味。我完全忘记了自己当天已经进餐5次，于是兴致盎然竭尽全力的满足自己的每一个味觉细胞。可是席间也不得不注意到，即使在这样的装潢雅致的高档餐馆，客人们仍然肆无忌惮的吞云吐雾，让临桌甚至自己的家人和朋友毫无选择的被令人窒息的烟气围绕。

回到招待所后顾不得想时差的问题，倒床就睡了。

中国行之－－飞越重洋

飞机由于台风被推迟两天，又在我抵达芝加哥以后由于发动机故障需要再次延长起飞时间7小时。我拼命的安慰自己说，好事多磨，"天将降大任与斯人也，必将苦其心志，劳其筋骨。。。"航天公司好象也加入了训练我意志的活动，明明指定要过道的座位，得到的却是从任何角度看都是飞机正中央的一点，无论和过道或是窗口都遥不可及。左左右右的乘客把我象夹心饼干里的固体奶油一样牢牢控制在我的狭小的活动范围内。还好邻居们都很苗条，并没有谁的身体的部分延伸到我的座位里。

温柔美丽的空中小姐们非常有权利，她们专挑客人疲惫不堪，精神萎靡不振的时候打开客舱所有的灯迫使我们振作精神, 并塞来一些沉甸甸的饭盒. 在侯机的时候是美国的白天, 吃了两顿饭, 在飞行时间又是中国的白天,被喂了三顿饭. 于是我在不到24小时的这漫长的一小会儿吃了5顿, 并且由于在座位上动弹不得而消耗了0卡路里, 排空的机会也相当受限:(

当飞机终于落地的那一刻,不知道心理那一丝细微的变化是不是算激动. 直到推着行李车经过机场外那一双双盼望的眼睛,才紧张的发现自己根本不知自己将迎来的是哪一张面孔. (我和表舅只见过一面,而且是在十年以前).

回到西半球

在祖国母亲转瞬即逝的3周半停留和漫长的17个小时的反程飞行后，我的玲珑骨感的身影又出现在Rochester：）又经过四天时差调节，三天收拾行李洗衣服，一上午处理工作邮件和一下午与同事问寒问暖，我终于感觉把自己从梦幻的世界里慢慢找了回来。

同事们对我的想念超过了我的预期。特别是在心外科，医生和他们的秘书们兴高采烈的欢迎我的回归并且两眼放光痴迷迷地听我讲述旅行见闻。我因为没有能够给每个人带回一份礼物而后悔不及。同时心里享受得无法形容：看来我不仅仅是他们的 "eye candy"， 更是那个缺少了地球就不好好转的唯一能给他们可爱（或者可恨）数字的神秘统计师：D


Dearani医生（中国之行的领队，也是我们心外科的儿童手术专家）四处宣扬说我多么地几近完美无与伦比地完成了此行的翻译任务（原话是“she was not great, she was fabulous!...”）。弄得大家特别是与我接触不多的秘书或是研究助理们在我今天一出现便投来令我觉得受之不起的仰慕的目光：）甚至有医生暗示想预定我明年奥运会担任他们全家旅游的导游兼翻译工作了:D 在大家看来, 我在工作中角色的突然转变非常不可思议, 可是我感觉这样的事情仿佛是冥冥中早就注定了的，轻松自然顺应我心。

好多快乐的，感人的一幕幕还在眼前象电影般一遍遍重放，我想在今后的几天我会整理思绪争取尽可能多的将我的感受原汁原味的记录下来。

准备好要飞了

明天就要坐上国际航班往中国飞了, 白天感觉一切还是乱糟糟毫无头绪.。昨天晚上花了3个小时打理行李, 看着自己亲手把一个个精美的礼品包得象一团团垃圾又好气又好笑。

最近一个月医生们甜言蜜语的“哄骗”我完成了无数不可完成的任务，特别是上个星期，感觉自己象是在挑战生理极限（当然有三分之一能量是耗在和朋友的玩乐上）。加起来医生们已经口头上欠下我两顿晚餐和一个草莓芝士蛋糕。甜头没有尝到，无原则性加班就已经好几次了。

今天还算有两个医生良心发现，发信来说了些感激的话并祝我旅途愉快。不知道是不是因为Elena说话总是柔柔的并且略带忧伤，感觉她对我非常的不舍。她问我能不能在国内给她来信，这样看似无礼却充满人情味的要求让我感到很开心，我想我会的。最让人惊喜的是Oguz医生也从土耳其打来电话，在他的半夜十二点，紧急手术室外面。（当然主要目的是问讯他研究课题的进展状况。）


终于在晚上8点下班以及又一通的打包工作后，觉得自己似乎准备好要飞回养大自己的那片土地了。可是竟在睡觉前得到消息说因为上海台风，飞机被至少推迟两天。在这种时候，人只好相信上天的每一个安排是都有一定道理的，只是我们站得不够高看不到而已。既然准备工作都已做完，我想明天晚上应该可以继续去我的舞蹈课了。

柬埔寨佛事

自从突然感觉可以任意支配自己所有的时间, 对自己一向的好奇心和探险精神就更加放任自流. 朋友们也就更加肆无忌惮的登门拜访或是动辄就热情的将我卷入各类大小聚餐和party中. 感觉过去的两个星期工作之余的时间似乎都在痛痛快快,昏昏愕愕又疲惫不堪的玩耍中度过.

上周六晚请客吃完火锅, 还未待洗静所有的脏盘子就在Viva和她朋友的催促下急匆匆的赶到本地的一座柬扑寨寺庙, 据说有盛大的舞会. 到那发现就是一间空旷的大房间, 中间供着一尊佛像, 四周挂着著名庙宇和菩萨的画像. 到现在仍未弄明白那天是什么佛事,只知道穿着桔黄色袈裟剃着光头的和尚坐在前方一本正经地讲经; 下面一群身穿白纱同样剃着光头的尼姑和俗家模样的信徒盘腿而坐，虔诚的听着经。和整装待命的乐队一同坐在最后的是我们一席人－－对经文只字不懂，只顾打扮得性感妖娆一心等待和尚结束念经和舞会开始。

柬埔寨是个很淳朴的群居型民族。音乐一起大家就起身乐呵呵的跳舞，极其满足。大部分动作很简单，感觉是我在幼儿园大班时就似曾相识了的。但象Viva这样受过训练的妖娆妩媚的女人是绝对能让你的眼睛对他们的舞蹈文化欣赏个淋漓尽致的。

很喜欢Viva的新女朋友Darwi－－她会对着自己的每一张照片惊喜的叫道“我看上去好可爱！”。生活中需要多一些这样懂得欣赏自己的女人 ：）

第一节跆拳道课

下了班啃了两口鸡脚就匆忙赶去上跆拳道课。一路上想到自己即将能够四两拨千斤，赤手空拳力克强敌就立刻脚下生风，神情也跟着高傲了起来。

谁知来到教室就发怵了：两位教练穿着白底黑边的专业跆拳道训练服，亲切的长相和威严的身躯形成对照。相比之下没有裹那样的大袍子的我，几斤几两便暴露无遗－－还没开打就气短了:( 不过在脱下袜子的一刹那看到自己涂着枣红色指甲油象相思豆般可爱的脚趾们心里又美滋滋的恢复了自信。

这里是我见到的男性最多的一门课，可惜除教练以外没有一个和帅哥靠谱。

一开课就真的被来了个下马威：不由分说就让做20个俯卧撑，20个仰卧起作，20个下蹲和20个跳跃，我一边喘着粗气，一边心里叫苦不迭。很快便知道了跆拳道和"kick boxing"的风格不同之处：跆拳道没有任何音乐将人领入一个接近舞蹈或健身操的将力量与柔韧相结合的美的境地，而是简单分解动作，以出手（脚）迅猛最为关键。更糟的是，不光要跟着花拳秀腿地比划，还得真打－－每人轮流向举着泡沫挡板的教练出招。虽然课堂上一直目不转睛地盯着帅哥教练看，此时我却很清醒地选择了向他的夫人进攻：一则让嫉妒的小心眼得以释放，二则不怕出招后被强大的反弹力量震到地上:D 要命的是光出招还不够，还得喊叫，这样理论上能长自己志气，使敌人魂飞胆丧。在习惯了声如洪钟的一声声震天喉之后，我被自己的声音吓了一条：软绵绵细小无力的 “哈－”活象只小猫。当时只顾发窘，不知道班上有没有人在笑。猜想如果不是自己发出的声音，我一定会不留情面地当场将她笑个半死^_^. 为了避免继续自取其辱, 我在尝试喊叫第二声以后就果断放弃了.

接下来要配对打，教练让找和自己体形相当地人自由组合。我用眼睛余光瞄到一个中等个头粗壮憨厚的男生向我迫切靠近时便遛到教室另一个角落，在那里我相逢了班上最弱小的一个美籍亚裔女生，她见到我时也同时舒展了眉头。虽然自认为对方不是自己对手，我们还是存有相当的戒心。彼此在相隔十万八千里的地方“对打”了一通。其间帅哥教练红着脸过来将我们拖近了几次，然后就无可奈何地随我们去了。

然后课终于结束了，感觉是无论自己怎样闻鸡起舞地练习下去，始终还是不能打遍天下无敌手，赶不上在兜里装上一个pepper spray 更让人放心的。

新邻居

隔壁搬来一对白净腼腆的同性恋。说话稍大声，打扮稍粗邝的那一个一头浅棕色卷发，带欧洲口音，另一个则象是本土长大的亚裔，见了人象女生一样没说话就先红了脸。他们成双入对地进出，柔声细语的说话，大多数时间关在家里象一对安静的小兔子。

想起Sharon以前曾对我说，在美国一定要尝试找一两个（男）同性恋作朋友，他们能象女人一样了解你，象男人一样照顾你，而且由于他们出众的时尚嗅觉，往往又是逛街的好同伴。听起来好诱人喔！可惜不会做点心，不然这个时候就已经端着盘子去敲门了:D

鬼怪也有脆弱的一面

周末和朋友去了名尼苏打州的state fair, 终于如愿以偿地请巧手的匠人把自己化成一个心目中世界上最可爱的小花猫,一路上得意洋洋的接受行人的赞许和羡慕的眼光:). 这个小花脸在我穿越恐怖惊险的鬼屋(haunted mansion)时还带来了有趣的小插曲.

鬼屋是模仿恐怖片中被鬼魂纠缠的豪宅而建立的机关重重的黑暗迷宫. 最恐怖的不是那些摆在洞穴里的血淋淋的棺材或面目狰狞的骷髅头, 而是那些能突然从黑暗的角落跑出来的由工作人员装扮的各种令人毛骨耸然而且行踪不定的鬼怪. 我想整个穿越鬼屋的过程大概15分钟,可置身其中一路尖叫并且从每个毛孔往外冒冷汗就感觉时间足有双倍长. 其中当一个鬼怪冲到我面前使我以最高分贝尖叫时,他也突然倒退两步,嘴里连叫"Holy shit"--之后我才意识到原来自己是"小猫仙", 在黑暗中竟有镇妖降魔的本领! 我相信那个妖怪当时一定被我吓得浑身发软呢:D

(小花脸的相片已经上载到相簿,敬请欣赏^_^ )

行到水穷处，坐看云起时

一直以来自己都时常想疯狂地逃出围城，到了城门外，身心却不由自主一起陷入小小的恐慌。因为知道自己不是在浩子和更完美的王子之间作选择，而是在安稳平静幸福的生活和自由无拘束但充满不确定性而且可能注定终会孤独的生活中取舍。

当一个人爱你到想要每一分钟厮守而且嫉妒一切尝试分享你生活的因素时，聪明的女人也许就别无他求了。怎样爱才能超越呢？我却偏偏得了宝贝却无法消受，就像孙悟空骗到了芭蕉扇却不知如何变小，直至其沉重得拖累得他寸步难行。在这最终的无法避免的分手中，最让我痛彻心扉的是，我仍然坚信他给了我他心的全部。

也许愚蠢得象扑火的飞蛾，我这一次还是固执的决定朝着心中认定的光源飞去, 紧张但是快乐。

我想我是真的开始感觉到自己的翅膀了，要去看看耀眼的遥远的天的那一边有什么。

I am holding on by letting you go。。。

没有预料到最后一次说再见浩子和我都那么心平气和。在将自己最美好的七年交付给对方后，我们终于无奈但坦然的承认了彼此的不同。过去的伤痛几乎已经修复到了顶点，路却走到了尽头。对彼此没有更多的指责，最后的一句话是让对方将来好好过－－这样的感情收场还有什么遗憾呢。

三年前他曾对我说“我现在放开手让你走，并祝你幸福，虽然这个幸福不是我给的”。我想我们都对这句话理解得更彻底了，也终于可以真正这样去做了。

不愧是这个世界上除妈妈以外最了解我的人，在我的眼泪即将疯狂的夺眶而出的时候他挂上了电话。我想现在我们都正以自己的方式去努力习惯这个曾经以为永远不会发生的事实。他一定在用工作压制与我有关的一切想法，并相信时间会去冲淡一切；而我除了用微笑作为自己最有效的疗伤灵药外，一刻不停的告诉自己他会坚强的去迎接没有我的新生活。

幸福是什么

已经有好几天吃不下东西了，体重也降到近期的最低点。 睡不着觉的时候把陈淑桦的歌拿出来轻轻的翻来覆去的放。

都说爱情需要缘分，但是缘分看不到，摸不着，让人平添烦恼。

有时希望幸福可以写成公式，让我如法炮制。但事实上自己是个笨女人，只会眼睁睁地看着幸福慢慢的从身边逃跑。

又一次别离

以为Oguz医生可以安安静静的离开，“挥挥手不带走一片云彩”。和Elena开会的时候, 两个人都小心翼翼的不去提及任何有关Oguz的事。他却偏偏在这时候进来了，一见到我就笑说：灼，我以为见不到你了，刚去你办公室找过你。


Oguz是和Elena同一天到达Mayo Clinic心血管手术科作为期半年的交流访问医生。他是土耳其人，身材高大，面色黝黑，双眼炯炯有神，笑容无比灿烂。也是医生里唯一一个不经预约，经常直接上我办公室登门拜访的人。我对此从不介意，他却经常扑空，还会留下小纸条说“我来过了”。他和Elena同办公室，半年以来也一直住同一家旅馆。

由于一会儿就要上飞机，他身着便装：卡其布乳白休闲衬衣，水磨蓝直统牛仔裤和棕色船形牛津底皮鞋，挺拔健壮的身材一览无余。圆圆的饱满的脑瓜上盖一层刚冒出来的毛茸茸乌黑坚硬的小头发。

我一贯会在别离时刻故作坚强以掩饰内心的忧伤，于是笑着提议去马路对面的著名"Canidian Honker"吃午饭为Oguz送行。（讽刺的是因为只是到Elena办公室开会，我并没有带钱包:P，好歹想到和两个医生一起，底气还是十分充足）席间我们谈笑风生，好像把他送走真的是一件值得庆贺的事。他连声对我说 “灼，我感觉好难过，我们刚刚要成为好朋友，就要分离”。被说到心里的痛处，我微笑却说不出话来。

饭后Oguz拥抱并亲吻Elena的脸颊告别时，Elena的眼圈已红透了。我觉得这样光是别人的离别场面就让我有些难以忍受，很想在忧伤席卷我之前快速从现场逃跑。由于回办公室的路和Oguz的班车同方向，我们继续同行了一段。他不住的说“多希望我们能够早一点相识”，我笑说还是这样好，不然现在我会更多一份伤心。路终于走完了，大概考虑到我是亚洲人， 他和我握手道别，（见到他和Elena告别的场面后，有些失望的觉得自己没有被同等对待：D)。在放开我手的一刹那他终于说“我可以亲吻你吗”，然后我们拥抱并亲吻了对方的脸颊。

整个下午，淡淡的古龙香水味飘在我的发梢. 感觉好像得到了宝贵的东西，却又已经远去了...

和Elena医生去看新健身中心开张仪式

来自俄国的Elena医生是个极女性化又十分有个性的刚来心血管手术科半年的研究医生。她身材娇小，皮肤白皙，有一对象奥黛丽.赫本一样似梅花鹿般灵动的双眼。Elena医生看上去十分腼腆，需要我的时候总是婆娑地拖着裹在紧身裙里地婀娜小身段安静地出现在我的办公室，然后用极度温柔的带着很重卷舌音的英语向我讲述她的研究问题。

我自从三个月前邀请一位认为交往甚好的医生喝咖啡被婉言亮出“已婚”黄牌后，便一直心有余悸，告诫自己为了女孩子珍贵且脆弱的自尊心从此以后一定要谨言慎行，不越雷池一步。即使是女医生，我也与她们只是君子之交淡如水，不卑不亢的相处着。（咖啡事件最初让我十分冤屈而且百思不得其解，现在终于悟出真谛：心血管手术医生成天面对的是全身麻木，面无表情，躺在手术台上冰凉的身躯。为了手术需要，医生们习惯于极力控制自己的情绪，将病人看作标本对待。所以一旦遇见与冰冷标本不一样的情感丰富的物种，他们便思维混乱，手足无措。）

也许是最近接触频繁对我逐渐产生信任，也许是因为最亲密的好朋友Oguz医生就要离开的缘故，Elena突然邀我同去医院新健身中心的开张仪式。虽然和医生们大都交往甚好，可是在工作以外的个人生活层次上的接触还是十分希罕（医生和统计师的思维大多数时候格格不入，我想由于我是一个非常不纯粹的统计师，才得以被勉强接受：D）。我因为受宠若惊而有些呆若木鸡，她于是立马加重砝码说“前一千人可得免费体恤”！

于是我和Elena高喊着免费体恤的口号冲到了新健身中心。在与人潮一起涌动的一个半小时里，感觉自己又幸运的得到了一个好朋友。人如果能经常感受到这种时刻就应该对生活很知足了。

新的健身中心真是棒极了！四层楼的崭新建筑，落地镜落地窗比比皆是；宽敞的大厅里布满了各式带小电视的高级健身器材；瑜珈，健身操，舞蹈都有各自不同得教室因地师宜；现代式样的休息靠椅和小咖啡桌把整体气氛烘托得友好而且活泼；更精彩的是，桑拿，温泉，水按摩等等奢侈设备全部属于免费享受范围之内...Elena告诉我在俄国比这小一半的健身中心也要一年耗费四千元，是富人的专利。我想自己再也没有理由继续偷懒不锻炼身体呢！

流星雨

“钻石恒久远，一颗永流传”， 记得以前国内这个浪漫的广告吗？ 星空下一对恋人相拥低声细语，忽然一颗闪亮的流星滑落，温柔的女子立刻在心里许愿说“向我求婚吧”，转头就见帅哥男友从怀里掏出樱桃大小的同样闪亮的钻戒深情款款的望着她。在那个年纪我不太知道钻石的价值，但觉得被帅哥用那样柔情似水的眼光望着非常受用：）

在后来的日子里经常暗自希望神迹出现，但却从来与流星无缘。有两次差点以为见到流星，结果一次是信号弹（据老舅的不可靠消息），另一次是闪着灯在夜间飞行的飞机。在大学里也曾瞪着朦胧的睡眼站在宿舍凉台上守到凌晨两点等那场被宣扬得轰轰烈烈得狮子座流星雨，结果自然也是一无所获：第一，成都多雾，一年内“万里无云”或是“繁星满天”的日子屈指可数；第二，外语系女生的弊病一向是脱离实际，缺乏常识:不知道看流星需要找黑暗的旷野，以为他们会象很多魔术弹一样五彩斑斓的在凉台外从天而降。

这两天新闻又说可以看到一年一度的Perseid 流星雨(关于这个词的翻译还需请教天文学专家),本来已经约好了朋友,做好准备要牺牲自己雷打不动的8小时睡眠制度去换取一千个愿望的实现,可惜到夜晚Rochester却排山倒海地下起了雨(不带流星的那种) :(

也许流星雨终究只能在童话或梦境里看到吧.

周杰伦的歌

窗外电闪雷鸣，大雨倾盆。我在屋里翻出周杰伦的CD来放得震天响。发现自己虽然一直以来号称是其“粉丝”，好多听过若干遍的歌还是不知他嘀嘀咕咕，哼哼唧唧唱些什么。所以突然觉得歌曲和人交流的方式不一定是让人听懂歌词，歌者的嗓音，语调，和其他唱歌时表现出来的看似表面却又与人生观，世界观密切相联的个性魅力很多时候就已足够让人对歌曲的感觉掌握到八九分了。

转念想到小时候和表妹丹娃的“外语”对话情景。（丹娃是我的情同亲生姐妹的心肝宝贝，小时候我们特别希望成为双胞胎，好像那样彼此联系就能更密切：D）。两岁以后直到上小学，爸爸妈妈上班时我们一起呆在姥姥家，于是连“Potty train”都是同时进行:每天定时并排各自坐在自己的小痰盂上（认识本人的读者请勿作具体想象:P)。为了排遣每天那点枯燥的时间，不知从哪天起，我们决定利用那段时间练习“外语”。（想必这个主意是我提出的，因为我毕竟比她大，见多识广，而且后来就读经贸外语专业也影射了那时我就已初步显示出的语言天份：D）我们模仿电视里看到的外国人说话的腔调，叽里咕噜眉飞色舞的对话，还加上了很多手势。我根本不知道她都对我“说”了些什么，只知道我们彼此很配合对方的情绪，而且一准能在从小痰盂上解放的一刹那愉快的完成“对话”。真的很被我们在小小年纪表现出来的创意,语言天赋,和对外来事物的接受能力所折服:)

在舞台下就要尽力修炼

突然发现以前的读书笔记中有这么一句话：“站在舞台上，就要尽情表演；站在舞台下，就要尽力修炼，为下一次的机会积聚力量”。

没有人能永远站在舞台上，也不要太强求自己去做那个“笑到最后，笑得最好”的人(什么时候是最后呢？）。在我看来，在任何处境中都能保持平和的心态，乐观向上，不放弃自己就已经是成功了。

一直喜欢的另一句话也有异曲同工之妙：“与其不争天下，无可与之争”。是说凡事不要太斤斤计较，不急功近利，才最有可能使潜力发挥到及至。

卤鸡脚的结果

在网上贪玩儿，直到炉子上乌烟大冒才想起来自己在卤鸡脚：（本来美美的打算用来增强皮肤弹性的胶质现在变成一层黑乎乎的锅巴粘在锅底。想到要灰溜溜地承受当笨人的后果心里就很郁闷：不但晚上只能吃煎鸡蛋，还要狠狠地刷锅。（而且这种锅是一定要当天刷的，不然第二天点多少香蜡烛都没用。这方面我经验丰富~P ）

想起Heshan告诉我，她曾经有个邻居中国女孩，刚到美国来时连鸡蛋都不会煎。一滴油不放锅烧得旺旺的，鸡蛋一打进去就死死地粘在锅上了！好好笑:D －－原来自己从一开始就不是最差的.人要学会原谅自己:)

2007盐湖城JSM 之－－民以食为天

我一贯不爱在日常饮食上大做文章。充足的水果蔬菜，一些牛肉干话梅，外加一两袋干制的米线，就能让我很满足了。从学生时代走过来的我懂得要把有限的资源用到对自己最重要的地方。我的理论是，吃的简单健康，保持青春的身材，然后将省下来的钱买漂亮衣服：）－－一个美妙的良性循环。

然而与朋友的聚餐却另当别论, 因为在设置独特的餐厅的氛围烘托下，人的内心感受往往可以得到升华。比如这次JSM，朋友或同事大多数的交流都在餐桌上进行，美食成为情感传递的载体。


第一天就和同事去了我和浩子经常光顾的盐湖城内一家装潢简单的韩国烤肉店。一方面韩国菜的辣味很适合我的口味，另一方面在美国常被人误认为是韩国人而使我对这个民族产生了或多或少的兴趣。（而且餐馆内有几位服务小妞实在是秀色可餐。。。）韩国菜的味道浓重得可以和川菜媲美，不同的是川菜辣中有麻，韩国菜却略带甜。十来个免费的小菜盛于精致的小碗堞中，使一桌菜的乐趣和诱惑力大增。总觉得他家的米饭也特别好吃，不知是不是装在可爱的带盖的钢制小碗中的缘故。每次去都想偷偷带出一个这样的小碗回去珍藏：）

四天之内去了两家风格各异，又各有千秋的日本餐馆。不知是缘于家庭还是学校的影响，浩子拒绝几乎一切来源于日本的东西，所以我们俩的车都是耗油性能不甚优越的美国车，我的护肤品里也没有日本品牌 （我喜欢让他在这样的无关痛痒的事情上作主，充分显示其“一家之主”的威风，自信心满满）。可是不知怎么着，我还是偷偷的爱上了日本餐：）不得不承认，日本人把民族特色保持得很好：可以盘腿而坐或屈膝而跪的榻榻米（经美国人改良，桌下挖个坑可以放腿，想必变罗圈腿的危险得以降低^_^）；将食物当着客人面烧得滋滋冒烟的铁板和可以熟练的把刀扔得满天飞，并且可以用帽子接住扔到空中的鸡蛋的大师傅；雕花的陶瓷器皿；将不同品种食物分割开来的漆光盒子。。。

说到日本食品的呈现力，不由得想起2005JSM中和本治一起去的那家日本自助餐厅。人首40美元，可谓价格不菲（有其是对那时还是学生的我来说），可是当时我已被眼前的一幕惊喜得昏了头，对价格完全没有概念：）当然现在想起来也是完全不后悔的。所有吃自助餐的客人围坐于一个巨大的环形长桌前，几位特级师傅站立于桌子的环心，当场为客人制作海鲜和寿司等等。桌面上有一条细细的渠道，通过涓涓的流水运送着盛于各式船形碗碟内的刚加工出来的精美食物。当你中意的食物小船飘过你面前，便可将小船从水中取出，享受其中盛放的美味。由于吃的种类数量不限，本治那天特别高兴：）我也尝试了好多没见过的生鱼片，寿司，也吃了好多只因为承载它们的小船非常精美的食物。

美国的传统大餐也可以做得花样百出，造价昂贵。得遇一位慷慨朋友相邀去他们下榻的宾馆内设餐厅共进晚餐。光是一道开胃菜就在无论是数量品质还是价格上讲究得能作为我通常在外点的主餐。面包的硬度好像也是与餐厅的价格成正比－－我硬着头皮吃掉了一整个，免得被朋友笑话说“山猪儿吃不来细糠”：）餐厅设置高雅浪漫，感觉只要一提要求，马上就会有一个小乐队在旁边拉小提琴伴你进食。在那样的情景下，目光是柔柔的，谈话是低声细语的，整个晚餐都静静地溶入到桌上微弱地烛光和草莓味的鸡尾酒里。

除以上描述地大餐，还在这短短地几天里享受了港式早茶，意大利式比撒饼。。。就好像冬眠动物为寒冷的冬天积聚营养似的贪婪地摄入。原本以为这两天一定可以弥补由于自己平时懒惰而缺乏的营养，使自己增添几分女人的曲线美，结果一称还是108磅！又要被朋友笑说是甲亢了：P

2007盐湖城JSM之－－学海无崖

两次JSM让我意识到自己终究是个不太爱学习的人 :(　一年来愉快的工作经历也并没能改变这个让人气恼的现实。把学习篇放在JSM系列的第一位只是因为我喜欢先苦后甜，欲扬先抑 :)

本来计划得非常美好：安排了一共三门短小精简（各４小时），而且还算是自己觉得感兴趣的话题的课程。时间都选在会议最初两天，料想那时最是精力旺盛，斗志昂扬。结果三门课加起来在课堂里待的时间大概只有６个小时。还好收获了一堆厚重的课程资料，庆幸自己还有东西带回去向好同事Heshan交差。虽然自己一贯不以为然，现在还是不得不承认自己与真正top students之间的差距：能够对枯燥的纯数学，统计理论从心底萌生浓厚兴趣，或是能在这样的课堂上坐如钟，心无杂念，一心只读圣贤书的确是一种非凡的能力，我不能及。

在课堂里受煎熬的两天里唯一的小高潮是与在2005JSM有一面之缘的朋友Harry的再相见的过程：他不知用什么方法贿赂了那个在我看来有一点凶巴巴的看门的老太太，神秘地混进课堂里再一声不响的忽然出现在我身边。这样小小的令人惊喜的疯狂让我的思绪突然间跨越时空飞回到浪漫，自由，充满幻想的我的大学时代。不言而喻，在接下来的两个小时里，讲师看到的教室里的我只是一个快乐的，小差狂开的美丽躯体...^_^

逝者如斯夫

快乐时光就象一捧沙，越是想紧紧的握在手中，越是无情的从指间飞快的划落。一个月以前就开始翘首以待的JSM眨眼间就已曲终了。宴席结束的一刹那才知道自己有多么不舍。

一个星期以来，吃得玩得昏天黑地，疲惫不堪，每天晚上却兴奋的只能失眠。我用眼，用心记录下的快乐的每一刻接下来会尝试将其变为文字，希望能表达出我感受的万分之一。

周末盐湖城第一站：去＂填鸭＂！

随着班机昨夜11点在盐湖城降落，我就开始了期盼已久的2007统计年会。这次盛大的会议在我研究生时代的大本营举行，可谓天赐良机，锦上添花。

虽然记事本上已经几乎被各样的聚会排得满满的，只恨自己分身乏术，整个周末还是会毫无保留的献给浩。他这次看起来比以前更瘦了，看来一个人在家就不好好吃饭的不止我一个。加上夏天日照的关系，他又黑了一圈，给人受尽苦难的感觉，让我心里有些难过。所幸的是上周走遍Rochester的大小商场，不惜重金为他买到的Chaco运动凉鞋好象给了他一丝惊喜，希望他是心里真的喜欢．很久没有买礼物让他惊喜了，其实这样小小的事情做起来容易，带给对方的甜蜜感觉确是难以衡量的．

两个人出门在外互相照顾是克服所有困难的动力源泉．决定了，等他从学校回来（周六浩总是得和老板开会，我回来的时候也不例外），我们就去喜欢的餐馆＂填鸭＂式的增肥！

Greek food, drummer Matt is leaving

I just realized that I have two friends named Matt. To clarify things, this college boy, our summer intern, who is the drummer of his music band, will be called "drummer Matt" from now on.

Drummer Matt introduced me to some Greek food today in a place called "Mac's cafe". This choice was a result of him contemplating over my request of "some place fun", and it turned out to be a very good decision. (I like this about Matt, he always thinks carefully before gives me an answer to my question or "assignment"--well, at least so far).

I drew a blank in my head when I heard of Greek restaurant, because I had never been to one or read much about it in books. But I liked this place at the moment we stepped in. It has two big rooms, both were crowded, but we didn't have any trouble finding a spot. Tables were set close to each other so if you are a first-timer to Greek food like me, you can stretch your head and find out what is going on on your neighbors' plates:) The walls are busily and friendly decorated with pictures of Greek scenes (I guess), and the Athens Olympic symbols.

We both ordered their specialty--"Gyro" (a type of pita bread with lamb, beef and tomato). It came with a very cute presentation: wrapped in foil like a baby wrapped in a blanket. I am not a fan of lamb, but it didn't bother me at all. I was really impressed by myself!:) The "Gyro" was a lot of food for me for lunch, but maybe because I was carried by a happy mood, (and because Matt was still hungry I guess:D), we even decided to split a Greek desert, called "baklava", a type of flaky pastry with honey and nuts. I can't tell you how happy I was that we did that--it was HEAVENLY!

Just after I got back to my office, I received a notice that Matt's last day of intern is approaching as the summer holidays is going to be over soon... sadly.

As with Matt, my friendship with surgical residents and research fellows comes and goes in a fast fashion as the result of the nature of their short-term positions. I think I don't like this aspect about my job much, but fortunately I am a much stronger girl now.

Pioneer day

今天是Pioneer Day， 摩门教徒特有的节日，相当于犹他州的州庆日。

浩子打来电话说他和朋友正在去往 lake paul 钓鱼的路上 （车程需6个小时）。虽然他近段时间为了毕业论文几乎无时不刻没有焦头烂额，前两天还心情沮丧得险些提出分手，可是此时电话里听起来只有兴高采烈。可见钓鱼几乎是包医他百病的良药。人的一生有这样一种药是很幸运的。

孤独的世界顶端

张宇的一首歌词写道：“就算站在世界的顶端，身边没有人陪伴，又怎样……” 那样的落寞，是不是每个人都体会得到？很想念大学时代的闺中密友，和从前的“蓝颜知己”们，她（他）们过得好不好，会不会有时也想到我？

咏来信说她和先生分居了，现在正学钢琴派遣寂寞……她曾是美女纷纭的大学寝室里尤其艳丽的一个，如出水芙蓉，天真，脆弱而不设防。看到她有时在同学录上的感触颇深的留言，常在想是什么把她便成了一个哲人？

我们都成长了，成熟了，却也付出了代价。

失眠使我的生命延长了

这个本应该是从头到尾都激动人心的一周被今天早上七点的会搅得稍微有点不那么完美。因为这意味着我强迫自己从床上爬起来的时间需要比往常提前一个半小时。加上睡前不小心多喝了咖啡，算下来就睡了四个半小时。结果早上虽然象平常一样不想起床，却并没有面目狰狞，心情和精力都出奇的好，可见失眠的痛苦很多时候是自己强加给自己的。与其着急得想“完了，睡不着”，不如想“我清醒得时间增加了三个小时，我的生命在无形中被延长了”。这样说不定马上就带着愉快的心情竟如梦乡了：）

说到这周，本年度的统计会议已经正式进入倒计时了！

放纵是生活的调味品

一觉醒来发现自己眼圈发黑，声音嘶哑，额上脓包猖獗，回忆起自己昨夜和朋友狂吃滥饮，穿梭于不同酒吧俱乐部狂疯到凌晨两点，正要有深深的悔意，浩打来了电话。他试探性的语气透露出一丝悔意和内疚－－原来昨夜他也并非乖乖地待在家里准备毕业论文和答辩，而是在距离开车4个小时的犹他湖和彩虹赌场前后钓鱼和拍老虎机，通宵达旦不寝不眠。

其实每个人都有需要发泄的时刻。偶尔的放纵是生活的调味品，有助于身心健康，防止得内伤。（不过记得第二天要乖乖的做回那个你自己^_^)。

我的相簿

昨天把博客介绍给了公司两个要好的朋友，想到又多两个认识我的人无聊时有可能会来这里瞧瞧就有些丑媳妇终要见公婆似的心里发慌。头脑里小小的责任心告诫自己为了朋友的支持一定不可以继续倦怠下去。本来不在计划之内的相簿现在也公开与此，希望在笔耕不勤的日子里，朋友也可以感受到通过照片记录下来的我生活的一部分和瞬间的心情。

结局

浩的博士毕业论文进入了黎明前的黑暗阶段。夜以继日的研究工作，找工作迟迟未果的压力和于我两地分居的痛苦使他变的少言寡语。最近几次交流都以我们对将来不确定性的无可奈何而失望地结束。

我们都感觉到彼此在一定程度上成了对方背不动却也放不下的包袱，它装负着爱情，责任，和在异国他乡不进则退，举步为艰的生存压力。我有时候想，我们也许在等待上天给我们指定一个结局，一个我们知道是什么却不忍心选择的结局。

随性就好

感觉最近这段时间英文写作有些黔驴技穷，一些难以名状，瞬间即逝的小心情总是因为苦于没有合适的英文表达渠道而不了了之。决定从现在起不拘泥于语言表达形式，文章只要有感而发，随性就好。

不管什么事情，刻意强求久了都有撑不住的时候。譬如我上健身班，半年以来一周4次几乎从未间断，被同事传为佳话，也被教练当作楷模逢人便夸奖说我进步迅猛。可是突然就想当逃兵了，觉得自己可以做一些不求上进但让自己觉得很惬意的事情，比如说懒懒的躺在沙发上看电视剧或时尚杂志，把零食当主食吃。古人说“张持有道”是有道理的。

Changes and surpises in life

My AC was finally fixed by my landlord (at least seemingly so), but ever since then, the weather has stayed cool and thus I haven't had chance to enjoy the pleasure of having a functioning AC in my room this summer. Likewise with the umbrella, ever since I decided to put it in my handbag so I wouldn't get poured by sudden thunderstorm again, it has never rained at the time I get off work.

Life is full of changes and surprises that you are never able to predict, and it is the beauty of it.

Dr. Mennander, the handsomest nerd I know, sent me an email after getting back to his home country Finland, updating me with his current contact information. The lines are formal as usual, and what does that mean to me, I will never know. He said surgeons need to be emotionless in operation room, and calm at all time, maybe I will just need to get used to working with people like that.

Sub sandwitch lunch in park

Tuesday, our college intern, Matt, suggested that I go to lunch with him and his friends, who are also college students working as summer intern at Mayo Clinic. I was a little surprised but very much touched by his friendly invitation. I warned him that it takes me time to warm up with new people, and he assured me that his friends are all nice and would be happy to have me join them for lunch.

knowing that I am not a frequent visitor to sandwich stores, he stared at Quizno's (the place we were going) website for about half an hour and finally picked up the perfect lunch for me--one of their signature sub sandwiches "Mesquite Chicken with Bacon".

After meeting up in Quizno's and ordered our own lunch, we (Tim, Matt and me) went to the central park by Mayo building to enjoy the gourmet lunch. Matt and his friend are both really "sun shine" type of kids. Through their eyes, I see pure happiness and enthusiasm. We were sitting on a stone flower bed, where a big tree provided a generous piece of shade. My "sub" turned out to be very tasty, even though I had been talking with them all through lunch, I didn't have trouble finishing it before it got cold. The conversation between me and the young boys went well, my identity as a "new comer", my nationality, my age, or my fluent but formal English didn't stand in the way...they even told me that I am "more exciting than lots of American people"!:) (yeah!! It means a lot to know that I am not a "party pooper":D) The lunch was fun and I definitely look forward to the next time.

Hot pot dinner at Viva's

This couple of weeks have past fast with me busy eating around with friends. It was like a festival week when you are supposed to try out all kinds of special food.

It started with the "hot pot" dinner at Viva's apartment. Yes, it was the Sichuan hot pot that I am specialized in, but ever since I showed it to Viva, she got so badly addicted to it, that whenever she invites Friends over, she always treats them with the hot pot. Of course, she always giving me credit by making it clear that "it is Zhuo's recipe". As if the patent was registered by me and it is illegal to use it without mentioning the ownership.


After dinner, Viva's husband Matt and his friend Chad volunteered to entertain us by acting anything we girls name them to do, so Viva and her little niece, who is infatuated with Chad, gave out topics like "gay", , "monkey", "psychic"... I have to admire the guys for being willing to put themselves in some very silly and embarrassing roles, and maybe because of the effects of alcohol, I actually thought it was very funny--with Viva's home made coconut sticky rice cake in one hand and a glass of blackberry wine cooler in the other, I laughed till my facial muscle hurt. That night, I also tried "long island ice tea" and almost thought I could handle alcohol like other people, until I got home and found out I was red and burning like an oven from forehead all through stomach.

"restaurant friends"

Denee called. she is 10 days away from giving birth to her second baby.

Denee is half an "ABC "(she came to USA when she was 11), 5 years younger than me, whom I met when I had to work part time in a Chinese restaurant in SLC, while I was stubbornly studying communication for which I could get absolutely no assistantship to help me out through the program. She and Speedy, a boy I know in the restaurant also and later became her husband, are the the only two friends of mine in USA that don't have a college degree.

I don't want to say that I have rules for making friends, but most of my friends turn out to be, of integrity, kind, and above all, highly educated. I guess it is because I was brought up under the influence of mom's theory "knowledge is the highest among all". But of course I was too young to understand it, so she motivated me to study hard using her other theory that, the higher degree a girl gets, the better chances she will have to meet really handsome boys-- which later proved to be false: boys can get more knowledgeable and (maybe) interesting when they are more educated, but not necessarily more handsome, the chances are they are more likely to be bald instead:(

I didn't intend or expect to be friends with Denee, simply because she and I are so different in so many ways, and lots of things about her are around the borderline of my comfortable zone. She smokes often but refuses to drink coffee with sugar because "it is going to make her fat". She sings numerous rap songs (actually she is best pop singer I know in real life) and speaks slang that she can't spell correctly. She wears belly button ring, tongue ring and more than two tattoos on her body (In contrast, the cruelest thing I have ever done to my body intentionally was to have my ears pierced--two piercings in each ear, which closed up later because I always forgot to put on earrings). "One person's meat can be another person's poison". This old saying accurately describes our feelings toward each other's tastes in many things.

However, there are reasons that make me never disliked her. She is young and cute looking: short and chubby, with tanned skin and big dark eyes. She never treated me unfairly although her complicated family background made her "cunning" and full of little "schemes". What's more, Denee and I were the only two people in the restaurant that were able to carry on some normal conversation without having to inserting adult jokes somewhere. and before I have a car, Denee gave me rides whenever she could. and after she sent me home at night, she often proposed to stay at my place for a little while because she didn't want to go home. I didn't need to treat her any more specially than throwing her a fashion magazine. She could usually manage to be happy and excited by trying out all the skincare and fragrance samples coming with magazine.

One solid credit I gave to Denee is that, she aways manages to keep touch with me in days I close my doors to the "outside world". Like my other long-term friends, she makes our friendship live on.

Monday

None of my colleagues like Monday. In hallway, break room, or restroom, conversation often goes like this: "how are you doing?" "Well, you know, it is Monday".

I have to admit that I dread Monday myself. Besides the facts that I always wake up feeling hopelessly sleepy on this day and it is the day furthest from next weekend, it indeed annoys me when I go to my office and find a dozen of unread emails requesting more work to be done--surgeons are famous for working on weekends (and holidays), and my Mondays are famous for being full of stress .

I sometimes feel ashamed to realize I don't actually enjoy working hard as much as I enjoy the material comforts and spiritual harvest the job brings me; I feel I lied to people in my job interviews when I told them I "loved to work on every project I had done so far", and I wonder whether they would still hire me if they could see through my mind and found out that I wish money grew on trees sometimes.

Divorcing Viva

Viva called me to say "hi" while I was "multitasking": watching TV series "The romance of three kingdom", booking the shuttle ticket online for Hao's trip to MN next week, and at the same time, racking my brains to figure out what I should be wearing for my lady's get-together on the coming Sunday.

Coincidentally, it has been exactly a week since Viva's last phone call, when she told me she's getting a divorce out of a blue--it was only 6 months after she got married. (For a second, I thought "does that I mean I don't have to worry about driving 4 hours to her wedding reception any more"). I am not sure whether I was the first one she told this about, but I was touched when she chose to show up in front of my door the next evening, asking me whether she could sleep over. (I felt impressed of myself--thinking of the fact that Viva has tons of friends in town, most of whom are her Childhood buddies, yet she came to me. There must be something about me, I am still wondering:~ ). She looked a little tired and disappointed, but absolutely no desperation or fear in her eyes. I could tell that she even made sure she looked better than usual: black lace top, with black fish-tail skirt and of course her brown high-heeled party shoes. No matter what reason she is getting divorce for, I am very happy to know that my friend is not a coward: however sad something is, once it happened, the best thing to do is to accept it, hold your chin up and look into the future.

As soon as I told her I could spare my sofa as well as a pillow and a blanket for her for the night, she wasted no time to put on her sleeping wear and sank into the sofa --the way she made herself at home in my apartment.

In the three hours after I fed her with my special spicy chowmein, the incompatibility of my life style and her personality became evident. Whatever reason that brought her to me clearly couldn't last her to bedtime. while I was absorbed into the Internet and my books, she made dozens of phone calls to friends --not crying out for help though, on the contrary, she begged to help prepare for a friend's wedding shower (again, I like that about her, she doesn't overly focus on her own sadness to make other people uncomfortable). At end of 2 hours' efforts, a friend of her came to my building and picked her up.

That was the end of that night, and I was thinking hard to find appropriate things to say to her on the other end of the phone. Before I said anything, she asked "have you decided whether you are coming to my wedding reception next week?" --the last question I expected from her at this moment. and now I do have to feel bad again for not being able to make it to her wedding reception (I am really sorry, but it is 4 hours drive away! ). But I am happy that she and her marriage are happy again.

I've got mail

I just found out checking mail could be intimidating! As I approached my mail box, I could already see a few brochure pages sticking out from the small seam of the door, crying out for help, and the second I opened the mail box, the crowded envelopes popped out as if they couldn't hold on to being squeezed into the narrow space any longer. Perhaps the postman got mad at my habit of not removing mails in time, quite few letters got distorted by being pushed in with force.


I am never motivated to check mail. In contrast, opening the mail box is almost one of the most exciting moments for Hao when he gets home everyday. I don't understand it, because our communicating with family or friend is all through phone or email, nobody will send us a letter any more; he doesn't buy lottery either, there can't be anything surprising such as he has just won a brand new racing car. The most common mail we have got so far are bills, credit card applications, and some occasional sale information together with coupons. I occasionally collect coupons with the wishes that I will get better in saving money, however, never do I remember to use them for real. The only envelopes that don't go directly to trash can are bills, but they are really not a source of happiness as you can imagine. Anyway, as much as I am confused about Hao's enthusiasm toward checking mail box, I was glad and relieved that he took the responsibility for both of us when we lived together. For this reason (and lots of others of course), I miss Hao at this very moment.

Ten months of OL

Ten months ago, with a blink of eye, I shook my body and turned into an office lady (just like the monkey king born out of a rock in the famous Chinese novel, who is skilled to change into 72 different things).

To be a statistician wasn't something I had been dreaming of since my childhood, to make long story short, I majored in English, technology management, communication and biostatitics during the past ten years, and none of these fields seems to have much to do with any other one. and the worst thing is since I am never fully clear of what I want, I don't know whether I am getting closer or farther away from it.

One strength I own is that I am able to make myself happy and comfortable in most environments I am in with whatever I have. I not only survived all the math and statistics classes and tests required for the statistics degree (with GPA of 4.0 :D--I must have forgot that I started as an art student, so fear didn't get strong enough to become an obstacle), but I really have learned to enjoy the ten month's white collar life as a statistician.

I am soaked in the contents and happiness of working with world famous (and not ), handsome (and not) surgeons, who highly respect and carefully treasure me just because I am the only different one among them (besides the fact that I am Asian and happen to be good-looking). To them, suturing a human heart (and keeping the person alive of course) is a piece of cake, yet being able to punch and mix numbers in a computer then produce a p value is mysterious and irreplaceable. With this delusion in their mind, I sometimes can't help thinking highly of myself too, and surprisingly have been working very hard so they won't be disappointed. (by the way, the word "hard-working" is never a main stream in my dictionary, I always believe I can make up for my lack of industriousness with my intelligence and easy attitudes toward life).

What I enjoy most so far of course, is that I am actually closer to the ideal goal of myself: enriched with growing knowledge and feelings of accomplishments by contributing to a meaningful undertaking; being able to act for myself and independent both materially and spiritually.

"sex and the city" third round

It is Tuesday night, I am watching "Sex and the City", which was "banned" by Hao, --he is worried that a "bad" show like this is going to pollute the mind of his girlfriend.

The name does sound a little tempting and wild-- in Asians' eyes, not a show a "good girl" should watch. I remember when I mentioned the show to one of my Chinese classmates in UU, who was around 35, her face flushed and changed the topic immediately.

The "bourgeois tone" depicted in Sex and the city is quite alluring for an idealist dreamer like me, but the more I watch the show, the more immune I am. The first time I watched it, I was amazed by how fabulous a single woman's life could be; the second time I watched it, I deeply sympathized with and was a little scared by how desperate and at loss a woman could turn into without finding her happy ending with the "Mr. right"; this time, hehe:)...I have been checking out how they are dressed to look professional during day time and sexy at night.

No matter how biased Hao is toward this show, my values and world views didn't turn out to be messed up by the "sex" part of it. The only message passed to my heart is that I want to be one of the modern "white collar" office lady, represented by the four characters, who are self-confident, rich and attractive.

Girls' night out

I woke up at 7:24 AM with sore bones and muscles all over my body. It is from the Yoga and Pilate class I took on Wednesday and yesterday. I tend to exercise harder the week after my period to try to make up for the lack of activity because of the monthly embarrassing situations of female body.

Being upset at the fact I woke up so early on Saturday morning, after making myself a cup of coffee and scanning through my new ELLE magazine, I decided to cancel the plan of going to office and working on the unfinished project.

I still feel strange from last night's girls' night out with Viva. We went to a sushi bar. it is one of the most under-decorated Japanese restaurants I have been to, which is probably good considering that I wasn't dressed up for a fancy place (I looked casual yet pretty, probably a little sexy in a unique way). Viva was all dressed up --halter top and skirts (she likes to wear skirts in special occasions), with her favorite brown high heeled party shoes. Her hair was curled and bumped around her neck sexily, her tangling earrings were swinging around to catch attentions. I guess it was her way to distracting herself from missing her husband and being moody because she couldn't go with him on this 3-day trip to LA.

We decided to share a shot of Zinfandel--I feel safe to order alcohol with Viva: firstly, she knows more about wine than me and can always recommend something good; secondly, I know I can count on her to finish it if I don't like it. The Mexican waitress asked our ID immediately, and was really taking her time to check out our age. This was quite complimentary since she must have thought we were around the legal drinking age borderline.

shortly after I thought we were going to have a relaxing girls' night, a south Arabian family came in. An old man teasingly asked whether he could sit down by me, but before I said anything he was already seated. He looked very open-minded and introduced himself and his family (brother and sister-in-law and their kids) to me. Being polite, I smiled and introduced myself as well although I don't really like the fact that we had to sit close to each other--I value personal space and take it for granted since I came to USA. I would rather it was the little girl who was sitting beside me.

Viva came back from the lady's room, she seemed a little excited to see the bar table get crowded. She started to chat with the old man. They both are pretty out-going people and seemed to carry on the conversation very happily. I was sitting in the middle, feeling uncomfortable--I was disgusted by the fact that the old man had to lean his body over my side to talk to Viva, and didn't understand why Viva didn't end the boring conversation with this old guy soon. 10 minutes after they sat down, our sushi rolls were on the table, he still kept talking to us, (more to Viva, I just had to say something from time to time because I am sitting between them). I finally found a chance to point out that he should start to focus on the menu, hoping that his saliva wouldn't get on my food.

I noticed that Viva is a gal that guys like to flirt with: she has big round eyes that can smile, she always looks into their eyes while talking to them, and she knows how to tease them and implant a hope for them that she is thinking of the same things that they are thinking. She is not traditionally beautiful, but she looks wild, sexy and with definite views of her own.

The old guy turned to us again immediately after placing his order. He asked "I can't understand, why are these two extremely attractive and beautiful girls sitting here alone tonight ...why? where are the guys?" He repeated "extremely attractive and beautiful", and measuring Viva's cleavage with his eyes. I felt gross and the only good impression of him because of his Ph.D degree (he bragged about it and his success in business) disappeared immediately. His words offended me in two ways: first, why do attractive girls have to be with guys? Are women born to be accessories of men? second, why we are here "alone" is none of his business. If not because of Viva, I would have kept a straight face and stopped talking to him.

Viva kept talking to him, pretending not to know that he was taking an approach on her. He bought her a drink and invited her to Las Vegas "on his own expense". He made it clear to Viva that she can "have her own room" and still "enjoy good time together' with him. Up to that moment, I felt the whole night was kind of ruined, not only because I didn't have chance to talk to Viva during this whole "girls' night out", but also that I had to witness this naked and disgusting intention of this old guy (he is about 60 by the way, older than my father if he was alive). Maybe it is a game that many people play here, a place I don't fit in and never will. I didn't blame Viva for not giving him the red light at the beginning--Viva seems to enjoy this kind of situations, and told me she had control of herself.

Viva and I finally agreed that it was an interesting experience...after all we were safe and sound back home. Everything except the old guy was fine. The chef played a wonderful show with his cooking utensils, which reminded me of Speed, a friend of mine who works in a Japanese restaurant and is really good at the "knife playing" show. I should go to his Sushi bar next time I go back to SLC, and enjoy some really good Sushi, I told myself.

Mourning rice cooker

I miss the taste of baked sweet potato and decided to do it for the first time using the Oven. I started to preheat the oven to 400 F (no recipe, just play by ear), and totally forgot that I use it for storage, since I only used my oven once since I moved in. It wasn't long before I smell the strong bad smell of burned rubber, and that was the end of my poor rice cooker, which I use to make hotpot from time to time...I feel sad and a little mad, and wanted badly to call Hao and tell him what I did so I can feel less guilty, but his cell phone was off and he is in lake Paul, Arizona, enjoying fishing and boating fun. Well, before I tried to dial the number again after 30 minutes, I realized it is selfish to spread a bad mood around, and after all it was not a total failure, the smell of the baked sweet potato came out, (mixed with the burned rubber smell still), and it was not bad as the first try. Everything has a cost, I told myself.

Perfect sunday

I woke up after 9 when the sun shined on my face softly, instead of getting up, I kept my eyes closed and indulged myself in a good mood brought by the vague memory of my favorite sweet dream. This was the dream repeated many times in my life, the only character I remember is the boy, by looking into whose eyes I feel peaceful and sweet. I sometimes think he is the boy I went to the same class with from elementary school all through high school. He never was my boyfriend or my date or even one of those who said anything like "I like you" to me, but he had a special place in my heart and I hope I was something to him too. I felt puzzled for a long time about the fact I keep seeing him in my dream, maybe as the old saying goes: distance creates beauty...but recently, in my dream, his face often became blurry and blended with Hao's face. I was for a moment a little overwhelmed by joy, I know I see my true feelings in dreams, and the things that I have always tried so hard to look for in life is actually so close, so close that sometimes I can't see.


Knowing that I am actually a safe and lucky woman that many women should be jealous of, I turned on my favorite music of this month, made a pot of coffee and sit in bed and continued the reading of a novel that I should have done in my college days, letting the music and coffee smell play the background.


Sunday is worry-free day for me, I don't have to think of work or what to eat, I always store plenty of my favorite snack in my apartment to keep myself from hungry and satisfy my glutton for delicious food. Watching people going to church across the road, I almost feel I am in my own heaven.

Life in glass

I like the idea of alcohol. I said "idea" because it is beautiful mostly in my imagination.

I rarely touch alcohol and never physically tempted by it. For the whole "twenty-something" years, I have been actually drunk twice. I got drunk the first time when I was three, it was over something called "jiu niang" in Chinese, which is also known as sweet wine, or rice wine. It is usually used as dessert rather than alcohol. I don't consider that experience as alcohol drinking, because I didn't know anything about alcohol and didn't intend to get drunk. The second time I got drunk was a few years ago, when I wanted to know what it feels to be drunk. In the same fashion I took Chinese traditional medicine, I closed my nose with fingers and took 3 or 4 shots of Tequila within 15 minutes, then I ended up puking for 8 times within 40 minutes and sleeping for half a night around my toilet. It served my purpose: at least I now know what being drunk feels like--not so good:P

Those are not some drinking experience to brag about, yet I never stop imaging myself gracefully holding a uniquely shaped, tall, elegant and stylish cocktail glass, with rich and colorful liquids inside it, half gone.... sometimes, I am dressed in my favorite skinny strap cotton dress, standing in the balcony under a cool starry night, watching a busy city becoming quite and peaceful...other times, I am lying in a hammock hanging between two huge coconut trees on a beautiful beach, feeling the cool and moist wind from sea kissing my face...Life gradually thickens into my glass, while I take a small sip, and another one...

Mad about you

Before anyone gets too excited at the title, I am actually talking about my passion for clothes.

I consider myself a reasonable person when it comes to spending money: I am content with my 10 year old car, I rarely dine out just because I am too lazy to cook despite of the fact I am not crazy about cooking, I even cut my own hair a few times when I first came to USA and my mind still stayed in the Chinese cost system...However, I shop for clothes almost every single weekend, and most of the time manage to come home without empty hands.

My persistent collection of clothes over the years goes beyond the full occupation of my big walk-in closet, a dosen of drawers, and two huge luggage cases, which Hao brought with him when he first came to USA to carry his whole world...A couple of times a year, I pack a big box of clothes to donate. This hopefully helps some people, but more importantly, it gets rid of the embarrassing evidence of my once-in-while so-so taste in fashion and makes room and excuses for new purchase.

Among the clothing that survived my wardrobe, every single piece was carefully chosen and well maintained (I do feel guilty that I normally don't have chance to wear every one of them at least once in a whole year). They add to my confidence, bring out my personalities, and distinguish me from everybody else in the world. (Believe it or not, I give extra credit to one who can dress himself/herself descently and uniquely.)

Although my reputation of "dressed killing" started early in middle school, the real introduction that lead me to fashion was shortly after I dated Hao (my boyfriend at that time, and life-time love still ^_^). He is still the only man I know that truely enjoys shopping with girlfriend for clothes and have an incredibly unique taste in fashion and trend. (Of cource his fashion sense for my clothes never beats me because most of the time he enjoys picturing me without clothes:P) Maybe inside he is not any more fond of watching girlfriend hunting for the perfect shoes than other men, but he is smarter to know that when a girl has plenty of clothes to change, she doesn't have to change boyfriend instead:D

time to write

Noticed that I haven't posted anything for two weeks. It is not even surprising considering that I started a manuscript on my master's project a year ago and I still haven't sent it out...

I constantly have thoughts on lots of things going on in my life, and thoughts about putting them down in words (my thoughts occur mostly when I am told to "meditate" in my yoga class, I am supposed to "let thoughts go", but I found it easier to let them be if they don't bother me:D), however, most of the time, I found my life (which I have thoughts on), is too good to allow me enough time to sit and write!! Take this past week for example, Hao got me a camera that I really liked, and among the countless pictures I took with it immediately, there were a few that even reflects some of my actual beauty:D; Then on Sunday, I went to BBQ with my Chinese colleagues and had a blast; I even enjoyed most of the following weekdays! ...after the biggest project came to a period, which I had been working on since the beginning of this year, I was able to sit down and do some real self-study; I also found out proudly that I don't look like a beginner any more in my advanced steps class; and it is weekend again!!...I could continue for a while if I want to bore you away:)

Maybe the best time for writing is when I feel blue, but those moments pass too fast--by the time I have sorted out my feelings and thoughts and felt ready to put them in words, I feel all good again and that is the time I go out and shop till I drop:D

Not so good week

This week was not so good, starting with the horrifying Virginia Tech massacre, followed by a strange fact that I threw up twice on my weekend trip back from SLC. and to make things worse, I decided to get a cold...in this nice and warm spring...

Live for the moment

A TV commercial about a credit card showing a lady spend 9 dollars on pedicures, and then end up spending over hundreds of dollars on sandles and dress that match her toes nails. She let your mood carry her away, "lived for the moment".

This seems simple to do, yet lots of times, we feel hard to let go the worries, the "rules", and expectations we have for ourselves, in order to enjoy the moments. I am not sayring I want to be spontaneous in everything like the lady on TV, (I will be broke soon for sure), but occasionally relaxing ourselves could make life a little easier. There is always tomorrow to worry about whatever that is on our mind.

Starting today, I need to train myself not to check work emails at home any more...

Sharon

For the first time since I left China for USA, I called Sharon, one of my best girlsfriends in college. I am not good at keeping touch with friends by phone calls, even with my best friends, my call would be totally unexpected. However, it was me who was really pleasantly surprised when she recoganized my voice immediately on the other side of the earth.

I am not any special among other girls just because I like Sharon, --she is the kind of girl any girls enjoy being friend with. Sharon started my memory of college life in a more advanced stage: she knew how to put on makeup and make her eyes look gorgeously and mysteriously blue, she used skincare products that cost 300 dollars, her clothes were mostly targeting sexiness instead of loveliness...

Despite of the fact that Sharon is from one of China's cities of fashion, and has a body shaped fabulously curvy besides all the other skills she owned mentioned above, never did she show the slightest arragoncy in front "country mice" like me. (Thank God for that, because I was so flat-chested, and always dressed in "baby doll" clothes which made me look like a fourteen year old.) She gave us lectures on how to do makeups, and then made us do hands-on practice with her own expensive makeup; she was always willing to shop with us as the fashion consultant and give us ideas of the perfect outfit for an occasion; she even introduced us to the world of "adult jokes", which I still consider the hardest task among all back that time...she took the position of our "dorm monitor" when nobody wanted the tedious job which didn't seem to have any obvious benefit to the one who does it, as she stated, she just wanted to serve others. I think that is exactly what she did.

Old friends talking

Last night, Tom called me from New York, while he is on a business trip in USA. I spoke Sichuan dialect for the first time in the past 6 years, and surpisingly Tom survied it and managed not to laugh out loud . I was very moved by the fact that he called me, especially when I found out he almost completely lost his voice because of work. He mentioned that when our classmates got together, they often talked about me. He told me that, Gloria called my plan of going back China the story of "Wolves are coming" (an old Chinese story of a boy lying about wolves and making fun of people who came to help, and finally could get no help any more when the wolve really came and was eaten up by the wolves). I am very clear, to win their trust in me again, I need to go back China and visit my friends and family before my image total fade out of their memory. Just like a kite, no matter how high and how far I want to fly, without my thread hold in your hand, I will get lost.

Winter in April

It is April, but the sudden drop in temperature makes me wonder whether winter is back again. Having worked and lived in Minnesota for eight months, I surprisingly didn't think the coldness of the coldest state in USA was unacceptable. However, once spoiled by the sunny and warm days, I found myself standing in the freezing wind unprotected.

The beginning

Have been thinking about organizing my thoughts and reflections since a long time ago, hoping this way I would be able to share my gorgeous (and maybe also not-so-gorgeous) moments with you. Life is short, I want to shine; life is also long, I need you to go along...